Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
