so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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