WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
