I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
