Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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