Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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