I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
