who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
