i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
