Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
