in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
