So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
