weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
