then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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