My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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