pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
