I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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