I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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