My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
