....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
