When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
