GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
