Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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