yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
