New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
