yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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