whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
