No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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