yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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