So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
