i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
