This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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