It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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