I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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