so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
