I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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