I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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