tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
