thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
