I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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