i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
