Im at strip club and am horny
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
