I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
