I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
