Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
