NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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