I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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