I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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