I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
