Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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