She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
