If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
