You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
